The Theory of Soccer Nationalism
We Americans have much to be thankful for when it comes to popular entertainment. Not only do we have the best production capabilities in the world, we also have some of the world’s best actors and actresses. All we’re lacking is the creativity needed to move beyond sequels, prequels, and rehashes of old classics. Nothing a little Michael Bay-esque explosion can’t solve though.
But what we ought to be especially thankful for is the abundance of professional athletes, million dollar sporting empires, and the dozens of channels dedicated solely to covering sports. Now that’s American entertainment at its finest. But while all of us at home were engrossed with watching tall men throw oranges into a basket tied to a pole, the rest of the world has been focusing on one thing and one thing only.
The Euro 2012.
Ah, yes. The Euro 2012 — a once in every four year tournament in which all of Europe’s finest compete in the hallowed game of soccer (or football as the rest of the world likes to remind us).
But why in the world (you might ask) would an otherwise sensible people spend so much time watching grown men kicking a ball? Why in the world would they want to waste such precious time watching a sport in which a 0-0 score is anything but unexpected?
Well, other than to momentarily escape what will soon be a wrecked mutual currency due to their evil Socialist ways, the Europeans apparently enjoy something called unfettered displays of vicious, vicious nationalism (maybe mixed with a little ethnocentrism). Childish, I know.
God bless America and praises be to Jesus for personally choosing to favor such a righteous and humble nation with people that wouldn’t go so far as to even think about tooting their own horn.
But back to Europe. It might surprise many of you that not but a century ago Europe was engaged in an all out continental war with one another. They were so good at competing to kill each other, in fact, that they even went so far as to weaponize mustard. It might surprise you even further when you find out that not but 20 years later, they were yet again finding ways to kill each other in all out continental war.
Oh, how the mighty have fallen. People, once so good at actually fighting with each other, reduced to wearing face paint and cheering on the stands. So in a way, this really is why Europeans like the Euro 2012. I might not have any exact evidence for this claim, but it’s a working theory. Like gravity or evolution.
The Theory of Soccer Nationalism. It has a ring to it. Remember it the next time you see a Euro 2012 match. And go Deutschland. Lead us proudly, Ozil.